On Comfort, and Courage

Back to pattern-extractor mode.

The compulsive brain is largely seeking escape. So it uses a variety of diversions - compulsions - to distract itself, to achieve escape.

I could write a whole thesis on escape from what, but I think the Cliff's Notes version is we escape from existential angst, and from pain of loss. And these are only resolved by embracing our spiritual side. For me, that means surrendering to the fact that there must be a higher power, even though the reality at times eludes me, and I have no choice but to make a decision of faith, and keep attentive to indirect evidence.

So, back to the compulsive brain. It lives in a frenzy of escapism, ever ricocheting off surfaces, trying to solve a paradox - how to calm itself, so it can focus on the real issue at hand. The problem is, the process itself can become debilitating. It calms itself by revving up the compulsions. And they have nasty side effects. Fear. Shame. Uncertainty. We can get stuck in an endless, unresolving loop, bouncing from compulsion to emotion and back again, only to repeat the cycle.

Sometimes, we need another person to step in, in the flesh, and interrupt the cycle.

Observation from the sidelines hasn't the same power.

There's a lot of hardball in the rooms. But I have a softer stance. I always thought it peculiar, when some religions would sit back and watch one of their own die of a medical disease, stating "if God wanted to cure them, He has the power, so we leave it entirely up to God..."

I always thought that God gave us tools. Free Will. Intellect. Judgement. Now, we don't always use them wisely, or in an altruistic fashion. But, we have them, and they can be used thusly. I think God works by design, so He must have administered these for a purpose. For us to learn to use, for good.

I believe in modern medicine. If I had a child with leukemia, I'd let the hospitals give my child chemo. Objective evidence shows that their chance of survival would greatly improve. I'd say that the development of chemo is the result of the gifts God gave us as a species: Free Will, Intellect, Judgement. So why not use them? Why think we have to force God's solution, saying only He can do a direct intervention?

Where am I going with this?

Comfort. And Courage.

There's a use, a place, and a time for the old-timer, hard-line, hardball gruffness in recovery. Denial needs some pretty good help, seeing itself in the mirror. We in recovery have great doses of denial, and we share in common a wake of destruction from poor living, wrong choices, bad behaviors. We bought them, we own them, we are responsible.

But I believe that there is the other side of that spectrum, too, the other end of tough love. It's called comfort. It takes Free Will, Intellect, and Judgement to administer. But it has its place, too.

Wrongly applied, it masquerades as enabling, as codependent behavior. But don't throw the baby out with the bath water, here, folks. If you get to know the profiles of people in the rooms, people in recovery, compulsive brains, you will see, even in yourself, that most have had life experiences devoid in comfort, ergo self-calming, escapist behaviors.

So when you run into someone who is working as they should, facing their denials, or at least actively digging around to root them out, and who is still in a frenzy of fear, I believe God uses us as ballast, for our fellow sufferer. We need to zoom out, and really look at the 12th step, what it means, how it plays out in different forms. Helping the fellow sufferer.

It may be more popular, and, frankly, easier or more self-promoting/protecting to spout canned wisdoms, wordy solutions. But sometimes the situation calls for putting ourselves out there a bit more, to come out from behind the protective mantle of usual protocol. To give something which costs us a bit.

The cost is courage. Putting oneself out, where the possibility of criticism exists. Taking a stand, moving into territory - that neutral zone - where most avoid to go. Putting aside one's own fears of rejection, or of being judged, or mistaken, and doing that which the heart directs - to offer comfort.

Comfort to a fellow sufferer need not be enabling. It is the act of reaching out, acknowledging pain, offering to hold a hand through the pain for a moment in time, offering to walk a bit beside another, in their journey. It is vastly different from telling someone what to do. It is vastly different from taking ownership of their responsibilities. It is telling them what they are: acknowledged in their pain, of value, redeemable, with hope.

And if you feel fear, wanting to reach out, but afraid of what others may think, that others may criticize your actions or misinterpret them through the filters of their own minds, know that this is one of the challenges God presents us. He asks for courage, sometimes. He wants us to invest ourselves, take risks, in order to grow.

So if you find opportunities around you to comfort your fellow sufferer, think carefully what to do, before defaulting to the easy, safe route of recitation. Use your Free Will, Intellect, and Judgement. And Courage. Sometimes, it's the best action, to touch another sufferer, and let them feel another human being.

Push past your fear.

-The Traveler