On Second Minds, and Fantasy Thinking

One thing I will tell you about me is that I have a compulsive brain. Big surprise, I know. Like, now that I started this blog, my mind wants to churn out thoughts. This can't be good for me.

I go through serial obsessions. Sometimes they are projects, sometimes topics, sometimes rituals. Right now, I'm deep into a few topics. I spent the summer reading up about intimacy, and then that sort of morphed into reading about codependency.

Did you know that pretty much most addicts, when they are uncovered from their actual addiction, are codependents? Because the root of both is the compulsive brain.

Anyway, so the other day I noticed in my peripheral vision the book, Codependent No More sitting on the kitchen bar. Now, I don't know about anyone else, but I seem to have at least two minds at work all the time. The regular one, and a sort of secondary one. It's highly annoying often, and distracting. Or maybe that's my subconscious, but it floats much closer to the surface than in other people. Because for me, I'm conscious of what that second mind is doing, all the time.

For example, the other day I was talking to a woman after a meeting, telling her something I had learned in another meeting that I made note of for her, pertinent to her situation. So I'm standing there talking to her about this, and my second mind is evaluating the structure of her face, as a sculptor would. Not in a sexual way, but rather looking at the lines, seeing what great lines her facial bones and the shape of her eyes had.

The second mind is saying, "Wow, look at that jawline, nice. And that hollow of the cheek is so pronounced, very proportional to the jawline. The strength of the angle of her jawline is just right, too, strong, but yet soft, too, and adds a really nice frame to her face. That nose - with the slightly long but very straight bridge - makes the face, combined with the moderately angular jawline and the hollows under those great cheekbones. And the curve of that upper eye rim... swooping and serpentine, hooded over those brown eyes... I'll bet she has no idea how her facial elements pull together."

All while I'm trying to express this idea about the timeline of sobriety, using my primary mind, and mouth. It's so distracting. Since I've only ever been in my own head, I have no idea whether this is experienced by other people. I don't tend to talk about these sorts of things, face to face.

So I walk past this Codependent No More book on the bar counter, and my second mind starts laughing. I haul up my primary mind, which was focused on where I was going, as I was on my way out the door, bring it to the forefront, and I realize why. That title is rather like a book Curing Addiction.

Sorry, neither are ever gonna happen. Fantasy thinking. We could call them Manage Your Codependency, or Manage Your Addiction, but they are simply never going to be gone. I much prefer the title of another book I read recently, that is much more truthful: Fear of Intimacy.

Now there's an accurate title. LOL!

-The Traveler